


I'd Rather Be Me

by uaigneach



Series: Because Singing Your Feelings Solves ALL Problems [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: BAMF Stiles, Barrett is my queen but that's kinda unimportant rn, Dark Stiles, Gen, Hurt Stiles, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Mean Girls Quotes, Mean Girls References, Pre-Slash, Song Lyrics, Stiles-centric, sterek is implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 07:40:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14950455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uaigneach/pseuds/uaigneach
Summary: Stiles spends some time hanging out with people that actually care about him.But of course he doesn't get a break and Derek calls him away. There's no question or hesitation, he goes.





	I'd Rather Be Me

In between the numerous monster of the week incidents, Stiles still managed to find the time to hang out with the friends that he’d made with the Theatre Club. With Scott in summer school or working all the time and Derek only really calling him for life and death situations (which just so happened to be every other day at this point), he did have some free time. Most of the time plans fall through because Derek needed something, and Stiles couldn’t just leave them to die without him, but he did occasionally manage to make a hang out session.

He really appreciated the face that no matter how many times he couldn’t make it or had to bail last minute or halfway through, they still invited him every. single. time. They didn’t just assume that he wouldn’t be able to make it and called it a quits.

He regularly skyped with them while doing research for Derek, so it wasn’t like he was completely missing out on people. Derek was lucky that he sat with his laptop facing away from the window otherwise people would be questioning why an ex-murder suspect was climbing through the Sheriff’s very underaged son’s window in the middle of the night. Often times, he was covered in blood and asking for medical help.

This is why people think they’re a cult, dammit.

All the same, it was nice to meet up with them in person too. And that’s how he ended up back at that kiddie park by the edge of the woods. There was about 15 of them there all hanging off various parts of the play structure.

Marina – a sophomore this year – was sorta just bitching about how her friends were annoying. “–we were like really close in grade 9 but then she started dating and suddenly didn’t have time for me anymore. She always says she’s busy, but I’ve seen her around town hanging out with his friends.” She kicked her legs half-heartedly, scuffing through the sand.

The girl beside her made a pitying noise and patted her back. “That’s rough, buddy.”

“Well, I’m no Zuko over there,” Stiles joked lightly, standing up and looking down at the club members. “But what I can do is share my wisdom through song because we’re the Theatre Club and everyone can use a little more Mean Girls in their lives.” He grins as Marina laughs slightly at his goofy intro. It had gotten the desired effect, and everyone looked at him with a degree of curiosity so that was a win. He takes a deep breath and reaches for his inner Janis.

 

_So your best friend screws you over_

_Acted nice when she’s not nice_

_Well I have some advice_

_‘Cause it’s happened to me_

_Twice_

 

Throwback to when Stiles was friends with Jackson. That was a trip. The two of them had been pretty inseparable until something happened (read: Jackson got Lydia and became popular) and suddenly Jackson hated Stiles. He spread rumours about him and became a raging dickbag.

It was kind of fucked up that Scott was doing the same damn thing as Jackson when he got his own taste of popularity.

_Here’s my secret strategy_

_It always works because_

_The world doesn’t end_

_It just feels like it does_

For him, that might have something to do with half formed pack bonds and his own inadequacy issues and you know, almost dying every week. Everything just sort of just has a bigger impact now.

Then again, they were teenagers in high school. Everything felt like the world was ending. Betrayal sucked. It sucked even more when your friend ended up leaving you after starting to date. Seriously, _don’t._

_So raise your right finger_

_And solemnly swear_

_“Whatever they say about me_

_I don’t care!”_

_I won’t twist in knots to join your game_

_I will say “you make me mad”_

_And if you treat me bad_

_I’ll say “you’re bad”_

It was no secret that Stiles was a non-conformer. Ever since Jackson had ditched him, Stiles had just stopped caring. He was that kid with ADHD and the Sheriff’s kid to boot. Then he was the kid with the dead mother and friends with the asthmatic kid. Of fucking _course_ he was a loser. But Stiles had never really seen the point in popularity – he’d seen what even a taste had done for Jackson.

So Stiles had never bothered with changing himself for others. Scott had like him just fine, right? There would be someone that would want him.

Maybe even someone that he’d want too.

 

Of course then the whole werewolf business happened and his life went to shit. Stiles had always been a liar – he was at least that self-aware – but with this secret to keep, it became so much worse than he’d thought was possible. He kept secrets from his dad, Derek, Scott, the Hale pack, and everyone else he interacted with. It was pretty awful.

His entire life was falling apart, and he kept his mouth shut. That second part of the bridge was a fucking lie, by the way. He didn’t call people out if he was publicly allied with them. For example; Scott. Scott wasn’t exactly a good friend as of late, but Stiles was, so he didn’t say anything. ‘If you treat me bad, I’ll say ‘you’re bad’” his perfectly perky ass.

 

_And if I eat alone from this moment on_

_That’s just what I’ll do_

 

He practically did that already. The pack tended to stick together, and they didn’t think too highly of him – Isaac attacked him and is constantly sneering, and despite the torture bonding experience that he’d had with Boyd, the older teen didn’t so much as acknowledge his existence most of the time. Erica topped things off though by hitting him with his own car engine and dumping him in a dumpster. So yeah, he couldn’t sit with them even if Derek seemed to like him well enough.

And Scott became popular as soon as he became a werewolf, so he sat with Allison, Jackson, Danny, and Lydia. There was no way that he would be welcome with them for more than a week. They tolerated him the one day a week that everyone sat with the Hales, but they were far from liking each other.

How the school was convinced they were a cult puzzled him. They were still so divided; missing months of bonding time.

They just might get that though, what with al of the life and death experiences that they could share.

 

_‘Cause[ I’d rather be me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou90LBaWj-4)_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me than be with you_

_We’re supposed to all be good kids_

_And be nurturing_

_And care_

_But is that really fair?_

_Boys get to fight_

_Girls have to share_

 

He had to modify some of the lyrics because while he was secure in his gender identity and general lack of strong masculine traits, calling himself a lady doesn’t feel quite right.

He began to move around the play structure more, spinning as some of the theatre kids who knew the song started backing him up with some background sound.

 

_Here’s the way that that turns out_

_We always understand_

_How to slap someone down_

_With out underhand_

_So here’s my right finger_

_To how teens should behave_

_‘Cause sometimes what’s meant to break you_

_Makes you brave_

With all the posturing that the wolves and hunters did, you’d think Stiles would be used to it by now. Nope! Under handed and below the belt tactics were the main weapons of a teenager that didn’t have claws and fangs. Or you know… guns.

Teens were ruthless, and that wasn’t even when their lives were threatened. Stiles had used his words against many things that threatened him. He greatly suspected that was part of the reason that the Hale pack didn’t like him. His only defense was sarcasm and cutting remarks, so of course he snarked at Derek whenever he slammed him into a wall.

It was like their thing.

 

_So I will not act all innocent_

_I won’t fake apologize_

_Let’s just fight and then make up_

_Not tell these lies_

_Let’s call our damage even_

_Clean the slate till it’s like new_

_It’s a new life for me_

_Where I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me than be with you_

If there’s one thing that Stiles won’t do, it is pretend to be someone he’s not. He’s not innocent, and while the image has its value, he knows that he can’t quite pull it off anymore. The Hale pack had its reputation, and with his newly awarded leather jacket (Derek gave it to him after the last time he was almost killed, citing that it was better than a T-shirt for amour – he was wearing it today), he’d gained a reputation.

His summer pass times surely didn’t help either. Stiles was an enigma, and the thing is, he had some form of PTSD. Well, he’d had that since he’d witnessed his mother die. If he was going to be honest, it probably started with the first time his mother tried to kill him. Now however, it was a bit more pronounced. He jumped more, he had frequent panic attacks. He suffered from insomnia and paranoia – heck, he carried around a knife and had guns and a baseball bat covered in nails and barbed wire in his jeep.

He was nothing if not prepared.

 

He jumped off the structure, bouncing around the area as the other kids began to get even more into the song. This is an anthem, and they were going to sing it as such. The others were getting really into it, Eric throwing his head and swinging over the edge of the bridge like the hooligan that he secretly is.

Stiles grinned widely as he puled Marina into a dance with him. She was laughing brightly and twirling around, humming along. Stiles twirled Marina around again before punching his fist in the air. “I’ll say ‘NO!’” he called.

“No!” the others echoed, mirroring his movement.

 

_I’ll say “knock it off_

_With your notes and your rules and your games”_

_And those sycophants who follow you_

_I’ll remember all their names_

_And when they drag you down_

_Like thei inevitably do_

_I will not laugh along with them_

_And approve their palace coup_

_‘Cause that’s not me_

Janis was a bitter character, and Stiles was bitter too. At this point, he was mainly motivated by spite – he may be human but he was going to make it, dammit. He had a pretty cynical world view and wasn’t afraid to admit it. He was part of a werewolf pack and had been tortured. There was no escaping that fact anymore.

Gods, Derel was rubbing off on him.

 

_I don’t need their good opinions_

_I have plenty of opinions_

_Every asshole has opinions_

_But that doesn’t make them true_

He grinned, dancing around and leaving Marina to dance with the others. These lyrics weren’t exactly the most… poetic, but Janis was ranting dammit. Let her live. He also chose to curse just ‘cause. What teen wouldn’t take that chance? Certainly not Stiles. Besides, he was long done with pretending to be the good kid.

He’d been doing illegal things since he even knew what the law was and that it lived in his house. Those illegal things just happened to include murder and a bunch of other worse things. He just had to be careful – he learned from Jackson.

And as much as Scott didn’t want to think that Stiles wasn’t as perfect and pure as the image that Scott seemed to have stuck in his head, Stiles had gotten pretty good at killing people. Scott hadn’t stuck around for the supernatural incidents in the summer, but Derek always called him. Stiles had landed the killing blow on enough omegas to know the feeling of a human skull shattering. He had as much blood – hunter, wolf, even fae and other creatures; you name it, he’s probably killed it (at least that’s what It feels like) – as anyone in the Hale pack.

It was the one time Stiles felt like he had an understanding with Derek’s baby betas. An understanding carved with claws and bathed in blood, but an understanding nonetheless. They didn’t speak about the bloodthirst they all felt, and they didn’t speak of what they had to do to survive and protect Hale land.

The one good side effect of that bond and their knowledge of Stiles’ tendency to be occasionally very deadly, was that the Hale pack didn’t baby him. Derek invited him to every training session and he always made sure that Stiles was armed to the teeth. Heck, after Gerard, Derek was the one to give him his baseball bat.

(It was also kind of funny that stiles felt so included. In a way, Stiles was just like Derek’s other betas. At the very least he was just as murder happy.)

 

_What’s true is being me_

_And I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me than be with you_

_So raise them high_

_‘Cause playing nice and shy_

_Is insulting my IQ_

He flipped the bird and held it up as the others laughingly mirrored him. He really connected with those last lines, and he felt that the others did too. He may not be a Lydia Martin, but he was a genius too. His ADHD just made his kind of genius less admired. He wrote research papers for _fun._ Sure he sold them, but that was never the original intent when he wrote them.

However Scott’s black and white view on the world was always trying to curb his own personality. Stiles wasn’t nice – pretending to be was just insulting.

While the others might not understand in the same way, the way Beacon Hills High worked is survival of the fittest. It was cut throat and every man was for themselves. Some people had alliances, but rarely did they last. That was why everyone was so confused by their pack. Now, it may sound like he’s being overdramatic, _but_ the truth is that that’s just how it was.

It’s like that dumbass meme. You can’t have mean girls if _everyone_ is a mean girl.

“ _I’d rather be me!_ ” he yelled, laughing loudly when all the others picked up on his chant and followed suit.

” _I’d rather be me!_ ” they echoed.

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me than be with you_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me_

_I’d rather be me_

“ _I’d rather be me than be with you!_ ” he belted, laughing as a bird was startled out of a tree. As soon as that last note was finished, everyone froze for a moment before sort of just collapsing like puppets whose strings have been cut. They lay on the ground just sort of laughing and catching their breath. “So Marina, my point is; if your friend is being a dick, just say ‘screw them’. They don’t deserve your time.” Stiles concluded, staring up at the sky.

Someone snorted behind him. “Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you? Scott like totally treated you like shit as soon as he discovered Argent’s vagina and you still follow him around like a lost puppy.”

Stiles winced. “Do as I say, not as I do. And I do _not_ follow Scott around like a lost puppy!” he saw a couple kids roll their eyes at him and he scowled at them.

“Yeah, sure you don’t. And you don’t’ bail on us whenever he calls either.”

Stiles sat up, turning to point at the kid with mock (well semi-mock) indifference. “Excuse you, I’ll have you know I haven’t talked to Scott in over a month.” Realizing that that was a bit incriminating, he continued on, accidentally digging himself into a deeper hole. “And besides, it’s not Scott calling. It’s Dere–” He was cut off by his phone ringing loudly in his pocket.

_[I’m bad news](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br1qLXix63M), a black and blues-er_

_Who’s a loser, a merry go round spiraling down_

_I’m all used up, I’m chaffed and chewed up_

_Who’s just screwed up–_

He quickly pulled out his phone, answering it without even bothering to check the caller display “–Derek.” He finished, pressing the phone to his ear and answering.

_“Stiles. Get to the house now. We have a situation in the preserve.”_

As usual, there was no greeting, but Stiles had stopped caring about it. When Derek was just calling about a meeting or research, he would joke around. But now is not the time – he can hear that Derek is actually serious and not just being the typical Derek. He immediately sobered up, frowning and furrowing his eyebrows. “What is it? I’m already at the edge of the preserve – I’ll meet you there.” He stood up, patting his pockets and moving towards where he’d parked his car. The theatre kids had begun to sit up and all had fallen silent as they listened to one side of his conversation.

 _“By that park you’re fond of?”_ Derek didn’t wait for a response before plowing ahead. _“I’m sending Isaac to meet you. He’ll be there in two minutes.”_ And then Derek hung up without giving him any indication as to what the situation even was.

Stiles shook his head and shoved his phone in an inside pocket of the leather jacket and popped his trunk and grabbed his baseball bat, not caring what the theatre kids would think of him running into the woods with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire and nails. It wasn’t really something that you can explain. “Listen, I– I’m sorry but I have to go.” He says in a rush, slamming the trunk shut and moving towards the forest where he could make out a figure moving towards him.

Marina stood up, halting him in his tracks. “Wait, where are you going? Why are you going? And is that… a baseball bat covered in wire???”

He opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off by Isaac poking his head out from behind a tree. “Stilinski,” he barked. Stiles’ mouth snapped shut.

“I have to go,” he repeated before jogging towards Isaac. He didn’t look back.

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/myfanficsfuckingsuck
> 
> visit my blog dudes


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